I know this isn't something people generally talk about while trying, but I want to be as open and honest as possible. After years of doctors, medications, physical therapy just to feel "normal". Constantly feeling like my body is at war with me, now it has betrayed me one more time. Or at least it feels like that.
I am currently going through fertility tests and symptoms are pointing to PCOS (not yet confirmed). And all I can feel is 'really? Something else to fight? Something else to feel down about?'
When you are trying to get pregnant and it doesn't come easy, it is so normal to feel like your body is failing you or that you are broken. When you have CPP, PGAD, or any of the other issues, it is easy to feel even more broken.
In the beginning, I was cocky. I thought to myself that I already dealt with my fair share of body problems. I already went to the doctors, got tests done, injections and procedures. Surely, I would get this one free of charge, right?
Wrong.
Day after day you take an ovulation test praying for a smiley face. Every month, you count the days go by, you take a pregnancy test hoping, once again, for two stupid lines. And all the while, you get phone calls around you, with pregnancy announcements. So it is easy to get impatient and look into other options.
So next comes some more tests, new doctors, and new results.
So what do you do when your body already fails you and now you have to deal with a whole new slew of diagnoses?
Be proactive. I say this all the time, in almost every post. Why? Because it is very easy to stay in bed and be sad. trust me I know. But happiness is a choice. Remember that. It is a decision to get out, get up, and find solutions.
Find the right doctors. Again, this goes side by side with Pelvic Pain diagnoses. It is the same with fertility. I have had friends who have switched doctors three times in the span of two years. Find referrals from doctors you know and trust. Remember it is your life, so no need to say things like "Maybe if I wait longer it will get better" Find a doctor that suite your needs.
Feel what you need to feel. People around you are going to call with the good news you are dying to hear yourself. you are allowed to be happy and sad at the same time. I cannot stress this enough. you are not a bad person for this. Feel happy for them and sad for you.
Ignore others. People will have their opinions. Fuck them. They will suggest herbs that worked for them or the number of a healer that worked for their sister. Do it all if you want. Ignore it if you don't. But in the end, find what is right for your own sanity and forget the rest.
Try, above everything, to stay positive. Not easy, I know. Not easy to not hate your body. Not east not to feel sad. So all you can do, all that I ask, is try. At least the attempt will keep you going for as long as possible.
First and only positive ovulation test