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  • Writer's pictureLior

Sex Should Not Hurt

When I was diagnosed, I was not having sex (since I was focused on getting better). After 8 months of treatment, a guy I had a one-night stand with (a year before) came back into my life (who later became my husband). At this point I was feeling better. I had many of my symptoms under control. After a couple of dates, we had sex and for the first time in my life I felt what it was like to have pain-free sex. I had NO IDEA. Like, for real, had no idea. The relationship I was in before was a sex based relationship (as he was a player-type guy). I was head over heels for him and he was just along for the ride. I used sex as a way to connect to him and be close to him (thinking in my head that's how you make a guy love you). Listen, we all fall for the bad guy at least once in our life. Anyway, most times after having sex I would sneak into the bathroom and masturbate. I never understood why. I thought I had orgasmed during sex with him, so why did I need to masturbate right after? Also, every time we had sex, the beginning was painful and sometimes during the whole time. I just thought he had a big dick. Why? Honestly, I think because that is was society and the media put in my brain. It was so uncommon to hear or talk about women + pain + sex, unless talking about someone's first time.  

Anyway, going back to my now husband, the guy I met after that toxic relationship. For the first time I felt that relief. After months of treatments, meds, creams, I felt it. For so long, I felt an orgasm was just like a rollercoaster. I would feel relief for about 2 seconds and then immediately after feel that unbearable itch or stimulation. For the first time I felt relief. It was magical. Truly. Not even just the orgasm itself, but just being able to have an orgasm and feel nothing right after it. Just feel at peace. 

Learning more about my disorder, I realized why this was happening. I found this article to be very helpful for me to relate to. At one point even putting it as a " Chronic clitoral constipation." I thought that was great. 

Listen ladies. I am tired of men, the media, and society telling us we need to put more lube on or he has a big dick. Sex is not supposed to be painful. End of story. Im obsessed with the company Thinx. As someone with these issues I do not use tampons. First off, I do not think they are healthy and left too long they can be dangerous and I actually think society is not teaching young women about that enough. But before I go off on a tangent. It simply makes sense if sex is painful that a tampon may be uncomfortable for you. I use Thinx period underwear instead of tampons and follow their emails, which is when I came across an article about pain + sex, and I was like, "Yes! Thank you!"

If you google things like "women pain sex", "Painful sex women", a lot of the times you will find things like "millions of women experience painful sex" This gives the perception that it is normal. Again, it is not. I appreciate that some of the articles put it in a different light by saying things like "Experiencing painful sex isn’t uncommon and 20 to 50% of women experience some form of sexual dysfunction during their lives. Painful intercourse, also known as dyspareunia, covers a wide range of problems with a variety of solutions." To me, I appreciate that they are saying, "you are not alone and there are solutions." I will be honest, though, even this article that I linked in the quote has "lube" as the number one reason and chronic pelvic pain as number four. So still not amazing. 

I will go further into solutions and tips at a later time. For now, please know you should not have to suffer or hold your breathe while he's thrusting inside of you. I've lived it and can tell you you can make it go away. I am not saying it is easy. Even after being able to have pain free sex and be able to orgasm didn't last forever. After a year or so, I was having flare ups and pain during sex came back. But the thing is I never give up. When it came back, I went back to physical therapy and made appointments with my Doctor. I fight to get that pain-free, blissful feeling back, because I know it is possible. 

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